Life. So interesting yet so confusing. We clearly have no control over what happens, even when we think we do. We do our best to try to have the good things happen to us and avoid all the bad things. While it would be fantastic if the goods were the only thing that existed, it doesn’t.
I have not been feeling like myself lately, and yes, it IS OK not to be OK. I can’t always be strong, I can’t always be fierce. But I CAN ALWAYS keep going and NEVER GIVE UP. I go through a lot on a daily base that you all have no clue about. What I tell you on Instagram, or FB is just the surface of what it is. But lately my body has been really beating me up. It has been at war with my mind and my body has been winning and I don’t like it. It’s like I finally am Alice in Wonderland and fell down the rabbit hole but ended up on the dark side of Wonderland.
I have been feeling down, insecure, and unhappy, among other stuff. But that isn’t me. For those that are close to me, you all know that is NOT me. I am a very sarcastic, laugh at everything, goofy, kind of gal. Now I wake up screaming in pain and going to sleep in tears. How is this happening to me? How did I get to this point of severity of pain? Why is my body breaking me down? I am in the process of finding the answers for myself. It is nothing that anyone can answer for me. I am at a place where I have to figure it all out. I know some friends have notice the change in my demeanor and have reached out, and I appreciate you all as I’ve told you. But I am OK.
While I am stuck in Wonderland, it isn’t as it seems. Wish it was like the book. I do have a lot going on, but my Scoliosis is really kicking my ass. It truly affects my entire body. From my head to my toes. It isn’t just the spine. It also affects my freaking breathing!! What the hell is that?!?! I didn’t even know what the heck it was if it wasn’t for my school doing the Scoliosis checks. I get so super duper sick and tired of dealing with it! I wish I wasn’t involved in that car accident just a few months into recovery and have one of the rods pins and screws come out of my back. I wish I didn’t have to have so many surgeries to try to repair it. But as I said before, no matter how many times we try and control life, we can’t. The best thing we can do is adjust.
While I don’t keep an exact number of my races, just the marathons, I have over 13+ half marathons, 4 marathons, countless 5ks and 10ks. And I am a PROUD marathoner with Scoliosis, Fibromyaliga, several brain diseases like seizures and chronic migraines, survived a small stroke, and a few brain tumors. And yet I still manage to run. And here is my stupid body trying to beat my mind up. Why? Because I get tired of dealing with all of said illnesses every day, every second, every breath. I NEVER have a break. I am allowed to break down here and there. I am on my way to look up and find my way out of the dark part of Wonderland that I am stuck in.
I had a very good friend and someone who’s opinion I value and trust say some impactful words to me. He knows how I am feeling and knows I don’t need the “you are strong you’ve got this” stuff. So he said something that resonated and stuck with me….”You aren’t destined to be normal. You are destined to be great.” How powerful are those words?!?! At least to me they are. It was exactly what I needed to hear and for my mind to wake up a little bit. I am not normal and never will be. Was that the plan all along? Either way, since he told me that, it’s been my mantra and has been getting me out and into the light. So thank you, you know who you are. ❤
We are all fighting some kind of battle, whether it’s visible or not. That is why we should always be kind and choose our words carefully. Especially when you are talking to yourself. Because we never know when someone is hurting and might need some nice, kind words to lift them up, even if you are looking in the mirror. Life is tough, lets not beat ourselves up. I know we are our worst critics, but we also need to always remember that not everything will work out the way we want it to. And that bad things can or will happen. We must always look for the positives and the good in every situation because they are there. Being strong all the time is easier said than done. And the word STRONG has a different meaning to everyone. Just remember all the things you have overcome that you thought you once you couldn’t do, all the things that broke you down and you then stood up tall and you became stronger from. But most importantly, NEVER GIVE UP.